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Nintendo. That used to be the family-friendly company that would never allow anything like Night Trap. Their Mortal Kombat version was only played out of necessity, because the blood had to disappear before the release. Who to this day have not produced a major shooter or horror title themselves. The one in which Splatoon shoots with color and in which Luigi’s Mansion is the top of horror. The fact that they allow other games from other providers on their platforms is nothing new, but what I recently came across in the Switch store was a whole new dimension.
Not entirely new, because I wrote about an earlier example of this on the DS over a decade ago. But here are three things that found my switch in different ways: Three games for perverts … Or what else should I call it when you rub very young anime girls to remove their underwear?
Moero Crystal H – The bra of darkness
In the case of Moero Crystal H, it was the story in the press release that made me have to see this game to believe it: You play the “lucky pervert” who, with the help of the “panties of light”, wears the “bra of darkness” must find again. Because only together do these two, let’s call them items, keep the universe in balance. Sure …
Let’s take a look at the basic game mechanics first. Who are very decent. You have a very old fashioned, step-by-step dungeon crawler with turn-based combat. Well-known concept and astonishingly solidly implemented here. Even the level of difficulty is quite demanding if you venture too far too quickly and ignore the possibilities you have in the fights. That would be a series of special attacks, magic, combo moves with several characters. Everything is well known, works as usual and nobody would have noticed without the special orientation of the game. Which is probably the reason for the next paragraph.
Dungeon crawling like in the 80s. I’ve always thought this was a solid base for cartoon soft p**n.
Where do you start? You heard the “erotic” premise. Then there is a lustful seal – yes, the sea creature – who is a well-known underwear thief and for whom the two special pieces are of course irresistible. The humorous concept of aging thieves stealing female underwear is a common tool in Japanese humor. I suppose it probably isn’t. I only know the classic Ranma as an example, but I suppose there is more, because after all we’re talking about the country that supposedly sells used girls’ underwear from vending machines – with a fish oil solution playing an important role in satisfying the Demand and the buyer’s plays.
Your main character, the lucky pervert – “Lucky Pervert” – mainly plays a support role in the fights by getting excited about the all-female fighters on your team and then discharging his excitement on them. Fortunately, the game leaves no visual clarification as to exactly what that means, I am only giving the terminology of the game. The all-women team – whatever the age of the very youthfully drawn female beings with animal features such as cat paws and others – on the other hand, is responsible for the usual attacks. You complement this team by scratching off new monster girls. Literally.
What is an onsen and do I really want to know?
If you meet a possible candidate, you have to knock off your underwear first. Hit corsets and panties based on rounds, then someone say that you can’t experience anything new in gaming. Once that’s done, the lady stands almost naked on a screen in front of you – you can’t really see anything, the game is approved for ages 16 and up – and you have to scratch off three points of power or something on the touchscreen. These are not always, but more often than not, in the area of the female erogenous zones. Once that’s done, you have a new fighter on call. The team is expanded and included in the eternal cycle of excitement and discharge. The happy…
At his heart, Moero Crystal H is a fully valid old school dungeon crawler. Round fights with a certain depth of play, many opponents and well thought-out mechanics. Technically nothing goes wrong here, you can play that well. But the real incentive … you have to want to.
Moero Crystal H in the Switch shop
Waifu Uncovered – No intention to marry
From role-playing to shoot’em’up, as a virtual anime lusty pig you don’t have to be fixated on one genre. And you can even learn something: what is waifu, please? If I initially assumed that it was simply the name of the game, I then came across the profound background while Googling (thanks, Urban Dictionary). “Waifu” is a made-up word from the anime scene. A waifu, as far as I understand it, would be an explicitly female anime character that you would marry if only she was real. Another dive into the Google Rabbit Hole behind it revealed more extreme excesses of fan devotion to drawings. Meh, in the 80s we wanted to have something to do with Jessica Rabbit. It’s no different, I suppose.
So, Waifu Uncovered is not a psychological analysis of the characters here, but literal “uncovering”. In a playful way, you get a third-rate asset swap shmup in which you basically maneuver around at the bottom of the screen in order to eliminate a lot of enemies above you. Imagine a bullet h**l shooter, just without the carefully thought-out planning of the firing and enemy arrangements and without the gimmicks that made the greats of the genre what they are. It’s not Tiger Game what’s happening here, but not so much about it either.
Anime p**n pictures in combination with a shooter. Has the potential? If so, then it remains unfounded here.
The “attraction” comes from the fact that with every wave of opponents, more clothes of the would-be waifu disappear in the background – I can’t say that I was able to develop great wedding wishes here, so I don’t know whether the term applies. Either way, little by little there is a little bare skin to be seen, of course within the scope of the 16 rating, which is far less generous than in the film sector. Afterwards you can admire these little pictures without the game, for desperate use if the internet and all the p**n in the world should be gone. If Moero Crystal H was still a good game with a strange premise, Waifu Uncovered is playful border junk that only exists to sell a few softcore anime pictures. And even with this target group there has to be a little more desperation than usual to find enough excitement for the five euros that this work wants from you.
Waifu Uncovered in the Switch Shop
Senran Kagura Peach Ball – Pinball is also a fetish.
Another genre change, you can’t say that fans of anime strips have to commit themselves. This time it’s a pinball machine and like Moero Crystal H, I have to say that the game itself is extremely good. Sure, the physics of the barrel is not quite optimal, but good enough. The tables are laid out in an interesting way, there are many bonus areas and complex point multipliers. If that were a completely normal pinball simulator, I would be very impressed. Senran Kagura Peach Ball is more than that. Well, more … in any case, it has its own idea of how to attract the pubescent male target group.
Hey, is just a pinball machine that I play here. Nothing to see, please move on …
Senran Kagura is a complete series that happily does gymnastics through all sorts of genres, from 2D side scrolling beating action to a water pistol 3D shooter – everything is included. The common motive? Scantily clad female ninja across the board who are saving the world. What it’s really about is made clear by an innocent sentence about one of the games from the series’ Wikipedia entry: “The sequel shows itself to be improved by improving the chest physics and the destruction of the clothes.” That’s pretty much how Dead or Alive 2 was then, and it was a good game too, so why not.
So Peach Ball is a pinball machine. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the fact that one of the bonus rounds consists of, for example, pounding around on the bum of one of the heroines with HD rumble and the paddles until the underpants fly off, then … Did I just write that? What should I do that is what just happened in the game. Where was I? Real pinball and half-naked ninjas! There is even a story that is even more demented than the Bra of Light: Five of the ninjas of different cup sizes have inhaled a mystical mist and now they think they are different animals. Which basically boils down to another fetish of its own, but let’s stick with pinball, because only the legendary Peach Ball can relieve you of the curse. That and lots of subtly suggestive mini-games with underwear that disappears in gradations.
Again, beyond all the soft eroticism, which I think is different – anime is really not my thing, but everyone’s … – Peach Ball is a really good, varied pinball machine with lots of crazy ideas. Here sat someone who not only had waifu thoughts, but also wanted to deliver a good game, because after all you felt obliged to a saga of almost ten years of minimal eroticism in combination with solid gameplay.
Senran Kagura Peach Ball in the Nintendo Shop.
So, those were three of the stranger games I’ve stumbled upon in the past few years. Incidentally, this is not only available on the Switch, Peach Ball is also available for the PC, Moero Crystal H originally appeared on the Vita. But for someone who still remembers Nintendo’s aversion to anything suggestive from back then, it is always a fun highlight to see such eccentric soft eroticism on a Big-N platform. Especially since there are two really good games behind it. Sure, Waifu Uncovered is the remnant recovery from the world of real games that I expected, but both Moero Crystal H and especially Peach Ball are just fun games. Hmm, who would have thought. Something has happened since Samantha Fox Strip Poker.
I would like to close here with a film title. I don’t know what the film is about. I just know it’s not a ’70s p**n, it’s a real movie, after all, James Coburn plays the lead role (He didn’t have a p**n career that I don’t know about, right?). I just stumbled upon it by accident, just as I stumbled upon Moero Crystal H by accident. Maybe I’ll check it out tonight. Like the Bra of Darkness, how could you resist this title: “Derek Flint – hard as flint”.
